The Warpath Bachelorette: Round 1

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The Competiton has begun. After a rigorous screening process, we have chosen 6 men from the high school who are best suited to compete for Sarah’s love. So without further ado, here are this year’s contestants:

Daniel Ewald

Senior, Multiple “Fan of the Game” Award Winner

Chris Comisar

Sophomore, Local Beat Master

Joel Beeby

Senior, Farmville Enthusiast

Ben Gorman

Junior, Self-Proclaimed “Beast”

Jacob Davis

Sophomore, Future NFL Draft 1st Pick

Hans Hinebaugh

Freshman, Great Hair

Each contestant was given the following list of questions. Their answers will be judged by the bachelorette who will determine who she will give a rose to move onto the next round.

The Questions

1. What would you do for your first date with the bachelorette?
2. What makes you the right man for the bachelorette?
3. What song would you say would describe your relationship with the bachelorette?
4. If you were given $20 to get the bachelorette a present, what would you get her?
5. Why do you deserve the rose?

Daniel Ewald
1. Easy: Hit up the Cinct, call in two BPs, medium rare, the night’s ours. Then head to 5th and Vine for a liesurely stroll under the lights.
2. No question about it, we were meant for each other. We caught each other’s eyes and it was love at first sight. Trust me, it happened.
3. “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey – This is exactly how we met, if you use your imagination. I think of Sarah Baby every time I hear that beautiful song.
4. Man, there’s so many options. Probably that awesome diamond necklace at Kay Jewelers. Don’t worry, I’ve got connections.
5. What can I say? We’re simply in love. This was meant for us. True love will always find a way
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Chris Comisar:
1. Dinner and a movie.
2. I’m just a stud.
3. Taylor Swift – “You Belong to Me”… duh…
4. $20…
5. Because I’m a winner, and winners get what they want.

Joel Beeby:
1. Probably Skype her. Ask her “what’s up.” She’ll say “not much.” Things will get really romantic from there when I say “me neither.”
2. My Farmville farm has over 600 different plant varieties and 1300 cows. I make 10 gold coins a day, so basically I’m loaded.
3. Probably the song “Paparazzi” by Lady Gaga because my Farmville how-to videos on YouTube have over 500 views, making me famous. With fame comes a cult paparazzi-esque following, and I have so many girls wanting to be my Farmville neighbors (two at the moment!) that she’ll have to “chase [me] down til [she] loves me.”
4. I would use it to buy her some Farmville items so that she can start making gold coins as well, which look great on other people’s news feeds.
5. Why do I deserve a rose? I don’t really. I already have 45 plots dedicated to red roses on Farmville, and their growth cycle is only one day, so I have roses anytime I need them. Once she chooses me and follows my how-to Farmville videos, she will have all the roses she wants. There won’t be a need to give away only one rose.

Ben Gorman:
1. I’d take her to an Italian restaurant (Italy is pretty romantic) with soft music in the background that gives off a feel of faraway lands.
2. I will soothe your heartache and show you what you have been missing your 4 years of high school. When you are sad, I will cheer you up with a song or perhaps a joke. When you are lonely, I will give you company. I will be there.
3. “You Belong to Me”- Taylor Swift, because what she has been looking for has been here the whole time (me).
4. Bath salts… girls love bath salts.
5. Without a rose, the right man will be out first round. I’m in it for as long as it counts.

Jacob Davis:
1. On the first day with the bachelorette I would take her out to dinner and then talk about any of her past relationships and why they didn’t work.
2. I’m the right man for the bachelorette because I’m handsome, admirable, aristocratic, and athletic.
3. The song that I would say that describes me and the bachelorette’s relationship is Luther Vandross-“If Only for One Night.”
4. With twenty dollars I would buy the bachelorette a bracelet that she would remember me by.
5. I deserve the rose because the bachelorette deserves a man who knows how to treat a woman and will do anything to impress her.

Hans Hinebaugh:
1. Definitely have to start at Terry’s Turf Club, then head to downtown Cincinnati, but I’m not sure what to do from there. It’s her choice. But first of all I would have to meet her…
2. Why not? I’m so young and youthful. Only problem is I still have to meet her, but I’ve heard people saying her name before.
3. If you ask Sarah, she’ll probably say it’s soon to be the Elvis classic “Burning Love.” I guess I agree with her. I’m pretty sure it’ll eventually be “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye.
4. Either give her the $20 or get her a dog.
5. Not sure if I actually deserve the rose because I’ve never done anything, but I’d sure take it.